A Journey of Self-Reflection and Forgiveness

I have been on a journey of building myself up and letting go of the past. Through this process, I've reached a point where I'm starting to reflect on the decisions I've made. I'm not saying these decisions were wrong—at that point in time, they felt right. But do I look back at my choices and ask myself, "Why did I do that? That was a terrible decision." While understanding where you went wrong is important for future improvement, understanding and reflecting on why my past self made those decisions can provide so much more perspective on who I am.

Recently, I've been listening to a book called "Forgive What You Can't Forget" while spending time in the sauna. Initially, I was annoyed that the author constantly referenced the Bible in her thought process. However, I knew deep down that her message was something I needed to hear and reflect upon. The first three chapters were challenging for me, which led me to examine why this book triggered such strong emotions, especially since I found value in her insights and how she validated feelings while opening minds to different perspectives.

Let me address my initial annoyance with the book's religious content. Throughout my life, when people asked about my religion, I would say I believed in some things but couldn't specify what. This stemmed from witnessing so much division surrounding religion—how in Bible study we would preach one thing, yet historically, many wars revolved around religion and greed. It confused my young mind, especially since religious teachings often condemned greed. Furthermore, whenever people discovered my lack of religious affiliation, they saw it as an opportunity to convert me, warning that I would go to hell otherwise.

This experience led me to internalize a frustration with how some religious individuals attributed everything to either God or the Devil. If someone cheated, it was the Devil's influence; if someone donated money, it was God's work. I struggled with this binary view, especially in my desire to volunteer and help others. People would call me "a godsend" or claim God brought me there to help, but I wondered: Why couldn't my actions simply come from the kindness of my heart? Why did positive choices have to be attributed to God and mistakes to the Devil?

However, as I continued listening to the book, I gained a new perspective. I realized that the Bible helps the author process her trauma and grief. Even though I'm not religious, I've come to understand that her approach—using her source of truth to work through difficulties—can benefit anyone, regardless of their beliefs. Whether someone finds guidance in God, Mohammed, or secular philosophy, we're all more similar than different in our search for understanding.

The core message about forgiveness resonates universally. Everyone carries trauma, regardless of how "perfect" or "fortunate" their life appears. We shouldn't compare traumas or dismiss them as insignificant. This book has helped me particularly with processing my high school experiences.

For years, I've adamantly refused to move back to Minnesota. When people respond with "That was so long ago" or "People change" or "You can't hold a grudge," they miss the point. While I've largely forgiven those who hurt me, certain words and scenarios from high school still feel like fresh wounds. The phrase "no one respects you" and experiences of being deliberately excluded still affect how I interpret social situations today. When I'm not invited somewhere, I wonder if people are embarrassed to be seen with me. When I am included, I question whether they want something from me or are just being polite out of obligation.

These thought patterns intensify whenever I consider visiting Minnesota, which isn't healthy for anyone. While I can't forget what happened, I have forgiven those people. Now, my work lies in understanding why these past experiences still have such power over my present life. I recognize that while memories will resurface, I can't let them paralyze me and prevent me from living fully.

Through this journey of self-reflection and forgiveness—whether guided by religious texts, self-help books, or personal introspection—I'm learning that understanding our past decisions doesn't mean we have to be bound by them. Sometimes the most important person we need to forgive is ourselves, allowing space for both growth and healing while acknowledging that our past experiences shaped who we are today.

SK