Loved, Flaws and All
Combine: January 12th, 2024, February 18th, 2024, and February 25th, 2024
It's 3 AM, and I'm staring at my reflection in my bathroom mirror. I've been avoiding mirrors lately - not because I hate what I see, but because I don't know how to look at myself without turning it into an assessment, a critique, a list of things to fix.
I tell people I don't say "I love you" because it's a strong phrase that shouldn't be thrown around carelessly. The truth? I stopped saying it because every time those words left my mouth, they felt like a lie. How can I tell someone else I love them when I look at myself and see nothing but flaws to fix, problems to solve, parts to improve?
It's not hatred - that would be easier to fix, I think. It's this constant state of evaluation. Like I'm a project that's always in beta testing, never quite ready for release. Every compliment becomes a new standard to maintain. Every kind word feels like a weight, another expectation to live up to. It's the same voice that picks apart my reflection, now turning praise into pressure.
The other day, someone told me I light up rooms when I walk in. I spent the next week analyzing every interaction, trying to match this image they had of me. Wondering if I was energetic enough, engaging enough, living up to this person they saw me as. It's exhausting, turning every positive observation into a performance metric. Like I need to earn the right to be seen this way, to deserve their kind words.
My friends have this ongoing joke - they're going to make me say something nice about myself without immediately following it with "but" or "well" or some other disclaimer. It sounds simple when they say it. Just one genuine compliment. No caveats. No explanations. Just acceptance. But acceptance feels like the hardest thing to give yourself when you're used to seeing everything as a test to pass.
I tried it tonight, standing here in front of the mirror. The words felt strange in my mouth, unfamiliar. But I didn't take them back, didn't add a disclaimer. Just let them exist.
Some days are harder than others. Sometimes kindness feels like a debt I need to repay rather than a gift I'm allowed to receive. But I'm starting to wonder if maybe that's where I've been going wrong. Maybe love - including self-love - isn't something you earn through perfect performance. Maybe it's not about becoming worthy. Maybe we're all already worthy, and the real journey is learning to believe that.
Maybe that's where everything starts - not with grand changes or perfect moments, but with small glimpses of acceptance. With learning to stay, even when every instinct says to look away.
SK
