Dancing Between Judgment and Joy
Combined: October 20th,2021 November 13th, 2021, April 7th. 2022, September 30th, 2023, and January 28th, 2024
Some nights I don't want to leave the club - I'm that person trying to convince everyone the night isn't over at 2:30 AM. Other nights? I'm checking my phone every five minutes, counting down until I can escape without seeming rude. Nightlife and I have a complicated relationship.
I've spent a lot of time trying to understand why some nights feel so different from others. When I'm at EDM or house music clubs far from campus, something clicks. The music takes over and my thoughts quiet down. I can let loose, be weird, dance however I want. But the second I walk into a bar where I might run into classmates, my mind starts racing. Suddenly I'm overthinking every little thing I do.
I told myself it was about the music, about the crowds, about anything except what it really was - this deep fear of being seen and judged by people who might remember me the next day. In a club full of strangers, there's no tomorrow to worry about. No chance of passing someone in the student center and wondering if they remember your embarrassing attempt at dancing.
Studying abroad changed something though. The bars there felt different - like everyone was just there to connect, to share stories, to be present. For the first time, I found myself loving these smaller spaces I used to avoid. No pulsing EDM to hide behind, just conversations and genuine connections. Sometimes I wonder if it was because nobody knew me there, or if something else was different.
Coming back home, I started noticing something. There are exactly five people in my life who make me feel that same way - completely free to be myself. They've seen me at my weirdest and still show up, still match my energy. They don't just accept my random dance moves or sudden bursts of energy - they join in. When they catch me getting lost in my thoughts, overthinking every move, they know exactly how to pull me back - whether it's starting a random dance party in the middle of a bar or making me laugh so hard I forget what I was worrying about.
Maybe that's what I was really finding in those anonymous club crowds - permission to just be myself without overthinking every moment. And these five friends? They give me that same permission, but with something better: the knowledge that they see all of me and still choose to stay.
I'm starting to understand that my relationship with nightlife was never really about the venues. It was about finding spaces - and people - where I could let my guard down. Because when you find friends who celebrate every part of who you are, even a random campus bar can feel like home.
SK
